Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son

   *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death, but my bicycle gets stuck on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

   "Update the force, Luke"....... *Adobe Wan Kenobi

   a good woman will always forgive you when she's wrong

   Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

   I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.

   My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.

   I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.

   I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.

   FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.

   I wonder if Caitlyn Jenner dared to go as Bruce Jenner for Halloween.

   LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito

   FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

   Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”