Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [Price Is Right with me in contestants row].. Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?.. Me: I don't want that.. Drew: Sir you have to bid.. Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.

   (Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line

   NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth

   Yes, I saved my old beeper. If that technology comes back around I don't want to be paying $20 for a new one.

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.

   Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.

   "And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"

   Date night with the wife tonight... It'll be nice to argue and fight in public for a change.

   *2025... There's only one smoker left in the world... The Quit Smoking ads on tv get personal.... HEY STEVE, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

   It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."

   You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.

   I just want to find a radio station that isn't playing the new Adele song,,,, is that too much to ask.

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   No matter how much lice shampoo I use it doesn't provide the sheen or volume that I get when I wash my lice with regular shampoo.

   Besides watermelon, there should be airmelon, firemelon, and earthmelon.... The four elemelons.

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?