Snotty Funny Status Messages

   4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

   It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

   No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change

   *At Vision Center. Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: Well, I'd like to be able to see all of them. Ummm, that's why I'm here.

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...

   *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan

   Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."

   Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬"

   It's exactly like the elders described. "When the moon succumbs to the dragon..." something something what's on TV

   *Caterpillar marriage therapy... Wife: he's not the man I married...Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Susan !!!

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..

   Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

   To translate Trump at the next debate,, the sign language specialist will just beat up a poor pregnant mexican woman .

   Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy

   Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?