Snotty Funny Status Messages

   How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   FYI,, I'm Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad,,, but not suspicious.

   Yesterday,, Someone once tried to break into my taxidermy studio,,, but I fought them off with my bear hands.

   What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Face book?

   Washes entire car with the squeegee at the gas pump

   Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

   My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

   *brings vuvuzela to knife fight.......... *gets stabbed by everybody on both sides

   We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

   Actualy, I'm dying for Trump to make it to the primary so we can see all the horrible things he says about each state he loses in one by one.

   I just figured it out,, Conspiracy theorists are pobably just people who never got over finding out that wrestling was fake.

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.

   Hey, did you know that Bruce...."He goes by Caitlyn now."... Ugh,,, fine. Did you know that Caitlyn Wayne is Batman?

   All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids