Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "You gonna eat that?" My wife asks,,,, pointing to my words.

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   My Uber driver almost crashed twice. 5 stars. Very exciting.

   FYI: The opposite of Chevy Chase,,,, is Ford Escape.

   Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related

   To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.

   [me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

   I sit blindfolded. A woman in a lab coat feeds me a Twix.... "Hmmmm, She marks her notes, 33 consecutive correct guesses"

   A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.

   If a shark attacks you,,, DO NOT punch him in the nose... Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

   *sees a knife for the first time..... "WHOA,,, that's the greatest thing since torn bread.."

   Why the hell is Spanish ESPN called ESPN Deportes and not ESPÑol

   It's 2015,,,, why do babies still have cords

   I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

   Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

   If a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first,, make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.

   A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.

   The new white Iphone is so white, that all Siri talks about is Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and it instagrams all of your food automatically.

   There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.