Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.

   The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

   Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

   *Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !

   Life? Listen to me, kid... You only have to watch River Monsters once,, for your Netflix recommendations to be in shambles

   DOG MAGICIAN: Think of a color, any color...is it...gray?...... AUDIENCE OF DOGS: Oh, my god,,, How does he do it??

   By the 5th kid, you allow stuff like wearing swim goggles all day

   Asked my 4 if she'd like to take karate. She said she already does karate... *A smart person would have realized a demonstration was coming.

   My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice

   (ordering cake on the phone)... BAKERY: And what would you like the cake to say?... (holds hand over phone)... Honey, did we want a talking cake???

   If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.

   When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

   Marriage vows should include no bringing up crap that happened 8 years ago.

   Love: When you still like someone after marriage.

   Sorry to break it to you but,,,,, (1) I have high self esteem (2) I don't need your money; and (3) I hate drama....... So.....

   The 3 second rule: Is the time between when you tell me your name,, and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was

   If you take a step back and look at the bigger picture,,,, you'll agree it seems to have been photoshopped