Snotty Funny Status Messages

   As if people didn't have enough reasons to panic when their doorbell rang... Now we have to worry that it's Ryan Seacrest.

   The Burger King mascot, and the KFC mascot walk into a bar.... Everyone leaves because they're so creeped out.

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea.

   So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?

   Just showed up at Walmart in an outfit I bought at Target,,, People think I'm some kind of movie star.

   I thought AshleyMadison was the bakery that made Zingers... Didn't they used to sponsor Charlie Brown specials?

   Well,,, According to WebMD, this burning is NOT an Eternal Flame.

   Grammar makes a difference... I punched my grandma in the face. Or.... I punched, my grandma, in t,he face...I don't know what I'm doing

   The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder...See how things can escalate quickly Susan??

   I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

   Time is the only real enemy......* JK. It’s spiders.

   SUSAN: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective... We should split up.. . ME: Good idea,,, that way we can cover more ground

   Putting sunscreen on the neighbors solar panel

   Sadly,,, If your neighbor has wind chimes you have wind chimes

   ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest... NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il ... ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that

   We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons

   My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.

   Dear Roger Goodell,, Please remember the counsel you surround yourself with should be assets not asshats....

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Does selling weed qualify as a joint income?