Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *Putting gas in car... $19.97... *stops..(gently).. $ 19.98... (very gently)... $19.99... *Ok, once more...(deep breath).... $37.63... GODDAMMIT

   Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.

   I get called into cat-boss office,,, *Boss staring intensely at red dot on wall... "Cancel all my appointments I'm not to be disturbed".... "Yes Sir."

   Me: "I'll take the rubbish out"... Rubbish: "Ummm,, I'm seeing someone"

   Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

   Hope this Iran thing goes through so the Ayatollah Ali Khameneiwill stop blocking my Candy Crush requests.

   "She's gone too far"... "She crossed the line between science & ethics"... "She's playing God"... *reaction to the amount of cheese my mom puts in an omelet

   think I speak for everyone when I say no one can speak for all of us.

   Young Punks,,, In my day, all we had was "Dial-A-Joke",,, and we were grateful!

   [Stares deeply into my wifes' eyes before going to the bathroom]... "I counted those fries Susan."

   Love is blind. It's also drunk, has a wooden leg, Tourette's, a crippling fear of heights & if you poke it with a stick it plays dead.

   *walks into CVS*...."Hi, sorry I have another return. This brand of dental floss tastes like blood too."

   7: Dad, why did you name me after a number?..... "It was an odd time in our lives, son"

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen

   I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches

   Imagine being an adult who owns a stick that holds your phone just so you can be able to take photographs of your face.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; Someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the exact opposite of what you told them.

   And BTW Susan,,, When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last".... I feel like you don't know what misplace means.

   Nothing says "I'm stubborn" like owning a BlackBerry in 2015