Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   DENTIST: OK, open up.... Me: Well, I guess it all started when my dad left... DENTIST: No, I mean.... DENTAL ASSISTANT: Wait Bob, Let him finish

   What's yellow and has wheels?... A banana, I lied about the wheels... Next question

   ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head

   Well sadly,,, The irony of being a horse, is that if you lift weights for a whole year,, you will still only have 1 horsepower.. Next question

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired".

   The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.

   The grass is green where you water it.

   I have dragon slayer on my resume. Nobody's had the nutsack to call me on it, yet...

   What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?

   I would save a lot of money if they made all shirts the exact same color as salsa.

   It's kinda messed up to think that peanut butter sandwiches could take out a considerable portion of the population.

   I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.

   I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

   Thanks motion sensor restroom sinks,,, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.000001 seconds anyway

   I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch

   Hey Youtube, you've got a grammatical error on your website... Its "You WILL skip ad in 5 seconds"... not, "You CAN skip ad in 5 seconds"

   It's so hot outside,, that other people's balls are sticking to my legs.