Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Your selfie needs more paper bag.

   Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.

   Hmmmm,, Texting while driving is illegal,,, but you can go ahead and eat a burrito while putting on mascara?

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   "FRIGGIN!!!,,,, FRIG!!"... - *Godzilla, after stomping on a Lego store.

   Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.

   Wait NAACP: Now you're sayin that " Once you go b!ack,,, you CAN go back?"

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"

   Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   Enters gynecologist's exam room wearing a lab coat and giant foam finger

   Once you get to know me, you'll agree that I have the refluxes of a cat...."...you mean REFLEX? "... *I cough up hairball on the floor & run away

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science

   Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.