Snotty Funny Status Messages

   BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   Hey,,, I know the words to all 5 songs on the radio.

   Somewhere, there is someone still in prison for stealing VCRs

   Come to think of it,,, I've never found a hair in my food at a Brazilian restaurant.

   “First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

   Look,,, all I'm saying is I've never seen Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner in the same room.

   Someone in my state is wearing Axe Body Spray... ugh, I can smell it from here

   I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

   FUN PRANK: Purchase any item at a CVS,, and then toilet paper the whole store with your receipt...... TWICE

   I hate it when I get out to the driveway and realize I left my Smart Car in my other pants.

   I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   We now return to PAWN STARS: How much can I get for this genuine 100 dollar bill.... The best I can do is $25..... Thinks for 5 minutes.... Deal