Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Putting a 60 mph sign on a Mass. highway is really just a waste of metal

   Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I......... Oh crap,,, did you see that? Daaaamn... She straight up ate him.

   Just called the bank for my account info,, and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'

   "Blinded By The Light" is my favorite song about what happens to people when I take my shirt off outside for the first time each year.

   Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains

   I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

   One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.

   Last week, I had an update so bad,,, Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie about it.

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.

   How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?

   *Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

   Yes, autocorrect, of course I intended to type "thou."... That is a perfectly reasonable guess. It is the 1600's after all.

   Prediction: Entourage will be the 1st non 3D movie in history to have its entire audience watch in sunglasses

   I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister.

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited