Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I bet "Game of War" would do better if they'd just spend a few bucks on advertising.

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   Oh,, and BTW,,,, Earth day is just another made up holiday to sell more earths

   If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

   I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight.

   A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.

   Screw it..... I'm just gonna say that these are " Mother's Day" lights now..... *lazy Christmas light owners...

   WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   My wife asking me to do the first half of the kids' bedtime,,, is like asking me to shake up a can of soda before handing it to her...

   How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.

   Listen,,, Anything can be cereal, if you have enough milk.

   I don't think you're supposed to use the pressure treated lumber to plank your BBQ salmon,,, but girl, your trailer looks nice

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   What do I do? My google machine just rang.

   Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.

   [flashlight to face]... When we were young, we only had a few TV channels... *all the kids gasp*... And there was no wifi... *4 kids puke and 2 faint*

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   Why don't they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?