Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. candy is 75% off.

   I don't know how the Green Bay Packers could have possibly lost that game with my dad shouting orders at the TV.

   A man’s got to know his limitations....... Unless he’s in a relationship,, then he’ll be constantly reminded.

   Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of

   I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out... Well, at least it tasted like a taco salad.

   f a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.

   My dog constantly looks at me like I asked him to give me a ride to the airport.

   DIET TIP: If you eat an entire tub of hummus and a bowl of applesauce, you will poop a sandcastle complete with moat... I know that now

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   The NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   If Dave has 7 snakes and Greg gives him 4 more,,, what's with these guys and all their snakes?

   Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.