Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...

   "Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.

   "I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat

   *pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book

   Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?

   Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."

   I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"

   *Day 138 of having "Take Me To Church" stuck in my head.

   No matter how bad life seems, just remember,,, You can order live bees on the internet.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch

   a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.

   *Me working in straw factory,,, " This is The LAST STRAW,, I QUIT! ",,, * Throws straw out window,,, *straw lands on camel factory next door,,, * camel screams in pain

   Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car... I was gonna shave my car anyway.

   I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough