Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   If I ever go blind, I'll wear two eyepatches, so people will just assume I am a double pirate.

   Did you know that the average person gains 4 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Good thing my mom told me I would never be average.

   in my opinion, a camel's back seems like a very inefficient way to transport straws,,, but I might be a bit biased here.

   "BRING ME THE FETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS.".. *Maniacal stare..."Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"... "AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"

   How many dinosaur remains must we dig up before we understand why they lived underground?

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   Turn the wrong way and the b*tch on the GPS won't shut up. .. *my marriage advice to my boys

   Drank two Monster Energy drinks,, and started my car by screaming at it... #boss

   "Don't take this the wrong way..." *doctor hands me a suppository

   Wow!!!,,,, this ice cream scoop really brings out your eyes.

   "What the hell are you doing?"... Making a turducken.. "I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be dead first"

   I initially thought this codeine cough syrup was disgusting, but after the second stack of pancakes, it's not so bad.

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?

   "Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"

   *Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

   It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.

   Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.