Snotty Funny Status Messages

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.

   The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.

   It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   How do they even grow a boneless chicken?

   I made a poem for my coworkers.. " Don't bother me at lunch,,, Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch.."

   What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.

   I suspect that my local Wal-Mart's selling knock-off canned spaghetti... I'd investigate,, but I'm worried it'll open a whole can of worms.

   Disappointed to learn it's not going to kill me ... because I'm done with waiting for it to make me stronger.

   "Hospice," contrary to popular belief,,, was not one of the Spice Girls.

   When you consider names for your baby,,,, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

   I never thought Charles Manson would be having a better week than Bill Cosby.

   "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

   FYI: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats, if you push people off them and sit real fast.

   [boarding an airplane in west Africa]... "Have you had any diarrhea in the last 24 hours?"..."Yes. I had 2 tablespoons before bed last night."