Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets.

   Don't threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.

   Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

   When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   "Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line.

   I'm clingy, but not " Simon Cowell's t-shirt" clingy.

   I wonder who vodka helped me insult last night.

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   Apparently, I tip hotel maids by forgetting my iPhone charger every time I check out. Every. Single. Time.

   I know its true love when I like you even when I'm sober.

   We men love two women; the one is the creation of our imagination and the other is not yet born.

   Single women wearing matching bra and panties; I am sure the inside of your clothes really appreciate it.

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements.

   Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you're not hanging out with enough people.

   I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!

   I see you stopped taking your meds. Can I please have them?

   Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.