JOser Funny Status Messages

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   It's so hot in here Nelly and his crew just showed up.

   Monday morning is the time we go through photos from the weekend and figure out what the hell happened. I swear that goat said he had ID.

   Conan O'Brien was on 60 Minutes this weekend . Jay Leno appeared 30 minutes in to take over due to 60 minutes "losing viewers and profits."

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"

   An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.

   It rubs the iPad on its skin or else it gets the Kindle again.

   Monday Morning just logged me out due to inactivity...

   Don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask if your store caries Ancient Indian Burial Ground Test Kits...

   As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way...

   It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

   has turned on Airplane mode on his Palm Pre, but so far it hasn't taken off.

   KFC is donating money towards breast cancer. They don't want anything killing their customers except heart disease.

   Why is it that everyone is either trying to preserve or disprove who they were in highschool? We were all a bunch of midget dipsh*ts making minimum wage covered in pimples

   I am used but in good condition

   I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.