Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.

   A TED talk about how to pass gas in the office and make it look like somebody else did it.

   Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

   And as punishment, the Patriots send Brady home to have sex with a super model.

   "Can you validate my parking?".. "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."... *wipes away tear,,, "Thanks."

   "There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

   Girl Pro Tip: Save up to 80% on life by being born pretty.

   Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?

   If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.

   I'm giving out ex-lax with ghosts on them for Halloween,,, so it comes back to haunt them.

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.

   I sprinkled googly eyes into the dog's food,, and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   So, is Charles still in charge or what?

   I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.