Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   FYI: It takes a man a week to walk a fortnight,

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.

   Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year

   How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?

   You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those

   I hate it when I accidentally fill up on crayons before my food comes out

   When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch.

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean

   WAIT !!!.. So if I call the CDC, and tell them I have Ebola,,, they'll clean my house.??.... Seriously?.. Hmmmmm.

   Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

   Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl's Cash and call it even?