Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "NFL gives ISIS only a two game suspension.".... Hmmmm..

   I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

   * Noah loading ark,,, "cows? check,,, goats? check",,, *llama walks up,,, " I already have llamas."... "Umm, I'm an Alpaca?".... "O.K.,, Wahatever"

   Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen

   Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   *Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had been changed. I Looked at the dog.. He looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

   Grocery Budget Tip: If you don't buy food,, you don't need toilet paper....

   Went to Walmart today. They accepted me as one of their own.... *cough-cough* go on without me... Save yourselves.

   Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   *John Madden circles my face on the telestrator..... "Now here's a guy who sits down when he pees."

   Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...

   We have great news. We're pregnant!... Awesome! Do you know the sex yet?...Of course we know "the sex",, How do you think we got pregnant, silly