Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

   My electric car is in for service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

   I'm behind in my time traveling project. Or am I?

   It's like my cat is the only one who understands me....... * Cat rolls her eyes

   Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

   Why can't bakers count?

   Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.

   Studies say that self inflicted bow and arrow suicides are down 1000 % since 1755.

   Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot

   *Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart

   I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.

   Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.

   My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.

   You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.