Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.

   In high school, I used to assist my teacher in Spanish class by "interpretive dancing" her lesson off to the side for "clarification"

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS

   Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

   Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   "Frosted Flakes is a part of this complete breakfast,,, which is also complete if you remove the Frosted Flakes."

   Checked myself for ticks but I didn't hear anything.

   Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   "Pay attention, 007,,, This might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   My Hamster passed today,,,, Yeah, he fell asleep at the wheel.... :(

   Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my womans hair. It's a nice way to let her know my love,, and also that we're out of napkin

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

   Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?

   A gaggle of geese... A murder of crows... A nope of laundry.

   From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch