Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat

   * Throws caution to the wind.... Wind throws it back and tells me I throw like a girl.

   Do not mess with bears. You'll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes?,,, That's right - a victim

   I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey

   Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.

   "If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   My analysis reveals that, via his crafty use of the double negative,,, Ray Parker Jr was, in fact,, afraid of *some* ghosts.

   Imagine how much pride you'll feel being eaten by lions.

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.

   Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.

   Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.