Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   Yoga teacher hates me.... *Puts me in an awkward position.

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   When one door closes and another window opens you have a ghost

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it's a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.

   It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

   In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first

   Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone... Ain't no Sub when she's away..

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.