Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

   About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!

   MOM,,, Even the Cookie Monster WON'T EAT AN OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE

   Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline,,, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on her wall again.

   I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED

   Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.

   How to walk UP the down escalator:... Step 1:... Step 1:.... Step 1:... Step 1:...Step 1:...

   *looks at packaging for Pillsbury Choc Chip Cookies... "May contain raw eggs"... *Rocky theme plays as I squeeze entire tube down my throat

   I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

   *cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd...

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   Just watch. My nickname for babies, "vag-turds", is really gonna catch fire in 2015.

   I'm so bad at sex when we get done,, oompa loompas enter the room and sing a catchy & belittling song...

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.

   I want to be the first person on shark tank who walks in holding nothing but a turd in her hand

   Hey guys,, my feed is down.. Is anyone here friends with Kathy?..I'm on pins and needles over here about how her workout went yesterday.

   This day in history in 1803. Louisiana Purchase was made by Thomas Jefferson. It added 828000 square miles to the USA,,, and later on that day, his wife hid his credit cards.