Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.

   Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.

   My worst 3 subjects in school we're Math and English.

   How to tell if someone is lying to you on social media??.... Their thumbs are moving

   Well, well, well...look who's come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.

   Please just put it in the fridge.... We'll throw it away next week.

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   Everyone knows you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix,, right?

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   back pain is just youth leaving the body

   Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

   I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.

   Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college

   I hear boomerangs are making a comeback