JOser Funny Status Messages

   I have often regretted my speech, never my silence...

   coffee: The gasoline of life...

   My boss didn't know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

   mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   Alcohol doesn't solve your problems…Neither does milk.

   Drink more beer, give a fat girl a chance...

   The fact that I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

   My check engine light is on. Someone needs to service me.

   do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his *ss off because he convinced a nation of people that its cool to wear a robe backwards?

   And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!

   What? That's not what "do the robot" means? It's a dance? Oh god. I am SO sorry about your robot.

   I got a letter from the college I graduated from... I hope it's a refund check for my murdered dreams.

   Wait, so the 3 day rule applies to calling a girl, and the 5 second rule applies to dropped food? It all makes sense now

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   A friend in Arizona was about to roll a joint but was busted because he didn't have any papers

   My futon might pull out, but I don't!

   The only thing that could make this pizza better would be an s.