Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: [donating my body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill] Goodwill: [Leaves body on their lawn, with a sign that says "Free..please take!"] 🤷

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Airport

   All men eat ass, they just wating to see if they can do it without you telling anyone... Be patient and keep that crack clean!

   Tweets are expanding to 280 characters and now I am looking for someone to write a forward for my soon-to-be-published tweet.

   I'm back when penny candy was a penny years old.

   With all the technology today, how is it possible that the "mullets make you look like a total tool" message has not made it to all people?

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

   Boss: I've received complaints about your AA meetings Me: too boring, right? Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

   me: i’m sad about this thing therapist: but it’s not about that thing me: ok thx here’s $175

   What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn't understand is I want the world to end

   The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.

   Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi

   Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

   Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

   My brain is a bad influence on me

   “you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

   What if I told you everything you see on Facebook is me.

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.