Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Already messed up 2024. Maybe 2025 will be my year.

   This Sunday, Daylight Saving Time begins. We don't save any daylight. It gets stolen from the morning and is given to the evening. Daylight Stealing Time.

   Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

   Ear today. Gone tomorrow.

   M*G* ....... MAKE AM*RICA GO AWAY Going viral all around the world 👍

   Anyone else buy bananas that are not only a great source of fiber and vitamins but can also help maintain a healthy heart just to watch them die a slow and miserable death sitting on your counter?

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say yes. Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

   Dear lady in line in front of me with six screaming kids under the age of ten. You see that box of condoms that magically appeared in your cart? YOU'RE WELCOME!

   Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

   Cop jokes AREN'T FUNNY. So give it arrest..

   Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

   iuyyuiyuyuyuyuyu8yuyuyuy yyuyuy ggggggaaaaaffffffsasaasdsyr

   Man injured in a bizarre peek- a- boo accident...He's in ICU.

   Have you hugged an imbecile today? Me neither. Come here.

   I'm your president now.

   "The woke mob' aka acknowledging that people different then you exist

   2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic Unbooblievable