Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

   Just had a triple chocolate Belgian waffle with toffee sauce, fudge piece and whipped cream BUT no sprinkles....Dieting is hard !

   Based on my life choices so far, my guardian angel lied on their resume.

   SpaceX’s Starship rocket launched from Texas yesterday, women not familiar with spaceflight can relate. After liftoff it had lots of thrust, got up really fast! Then exploded minutes later.

   I think my neighbor is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

   Right now, is the first time in human history that anyone anywhere on the planet can use the words "he's a f**king idiot" and everyone else knows exactly who they're talking about.

   Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now!

   Do you like real mashed potatoes or the flakes out of the box?

   Do you smell what I smell?

   Baby Shark says, doo, doo, doo, doo

   Alright we got Christmas presents out the way where my W2 at

   Taylor Swift on the News Again: “Breaking: Taylor Swift announces New Year’s resolution to release 12 albums in 2025. Swifties are now legally required to take out Taylor-themed mortgages.

   TDSmania has TOD. Trump Obsessive Disorder. And every time he reads something bad about him, his masturbation fantasies are interrupted hahahahaha

   Left 1st husband, cheated on 2nd, married member of Journey, broke into band's bank account - embezzled hundreds of thousands after committing fraud and running Ponzi scheme. Now leads the White House Faith Office. LOL. Another M*G* Wh*re.

   It's a good thing we still have 26 million acres of leases that haven't been tapped yet.

   I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!