Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something Fishy going on

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.

   Some days I feel as if Lady Justice has taken off her blindfold, dipped it into some water and cracked me on the rear end with it.

   you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't mean it's good. Trash bags leak too

   Johnny Depp doesn't need to wear a mask in court because he has Heard immunity.

   If casual sex exists that implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   "Military only get one day" said only in june by homophobic peope who cant stuff up

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers. Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

   1 down, 98 to go!- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   I hate to break it to ya, ladies... but those Christmas cookies you bake every holiday season? Not that good.

   IPA stands for “It’s Pee Actually” and I think that’s beautiful

   A group of Karens was having lunch at a fancy cafe. When they were done eating the waiter came over and asked "Was anything OK?"

   weight loss tip: when ordering a pizza have it delivered to someone else's address

   Any chance of you having an original thought, rather than standing on the shoulders of previous ones, Canuck loser?

   So, Howard Stern, Steven Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel walk into a bar together.

   I'm stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out this isn't for me but I appreciate the opportunity.

   I moved the clock up an hour before I went to bed last night and when I got up this morning it was still 1943