Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: The Edmonton Oilers just pulled an Ed the Zebra—broke loose, dodged the Florida Panthers, and soared into OT glory like they were being airlifted out of Florida.

   A fun Independence Day depends on your number of dependents.

   You know you are older when..you have to cross your legs to sneeze!

   How 'bout dem EGLSES!

   Don't regret past mistakes. Your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. (Disregard this post if in prison)

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Platypuses are the only animals that produce both eggs and milk, making them portable sources of omelets

   I'm glad McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs. I'd feel really awkward ordering a McWeiner, and don't even get me started on Super Size.

   It's not Juneteeth. It's Juneteenf.

   Whoever named it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti missed a great opportunity.

   An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

   Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why I think of jogging every morning...

   How did people know when Edison got the idea for the lightbulb? If it didn't exist yet, you wouldn't see a lightbulb above him that he just had an idea

   'm cleaning house and thinking that I need a car that runs on dog hair.

   Beyonce and Taylor Swift said they are sending their prayers to the fire victims in California. I feel like such a jerk. All I did was send them money.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small!" -Mrs. Grinch

   Never in the history of Calm Down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

   Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. You're actually still defending him! You people really are f*cking nuts.