Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just vacuumed up a nickel and it sounded like the crescendo from Ride of The Valkyries.

   Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

   What's the difference between most hispanics at the border and stoners? Storners have papers.....

   I will never drive a Jeep because you have to wave at other Jeep owners and I don't need that kind of pressure in my life.

   Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to “Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!”?

   The world has officially gone full-on crazy. At this point, the best thing we can do is make some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show.

   The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

   Due to lack of punch buggies on the road nowadays, the new game is Tesla Sass Slap.

   Some say the 1950s were not so great when it came to racism. Okay, so we fixed that. So, how about you blakcs step up and stop being naggers already.

   What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

   As an electrician, I always hated grounding my kids

   A hookah is just a glorified bong. Change my mind.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   I called my doctor's office and told them I had diarrhea. They put me on hold.

   Remember when funny stuff was here? I don’t think even Pepperidge Farm does.

   If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

   I SUPPORT MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE'S CHOICE NOT TO DISCLOSE HER VACCINATION STATUS. THAT'S BETWEEN THE HAIRY PIG AND HER VETERINARIAN. 🐷

   Fast Food drive thru's need a 3rd window, so you can trade in all the wrong items they gave you at the 2nd window.

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. It's off to work I go. I'll make some shills to pay my bills, Heigh-ho Heigh-ho.

   Just so we're clear, aborting a 6-week-old embryo isn't murder, but allowing your 6-year-old to die of measles because you chose not to vaccinate, is. F***king idiots.