Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How will people learn from their mistakes without other people to tell them "I told you so"?

   Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

   When your kids say they hate school, remember to tell them that someday if they're lucky, they'll have a job they hate too.

   I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

   The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

   How did we miss the opportunity to call "bleaching your butthole" "changing your ring tone"?

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   This Just In: Jimmy Carter to skip Trump Inauguration.

   It's funny, Trump is the only president that could ever become the worst president in history and then surpass being the worst president in history by being the worst president in history. Literally outdoing himself. That's some achievement!

   Tribute Bands: Making money off the hard work of the stars they attempt to emulate because they don't have a single, original thought in their empty skulls.

   I'm so old that I remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer.

   Those who dismiss progressive rock as being pretentious are most likely part of the crowd that only knows 3 chords.

   my future depends on my dreams so I think il go to sleep'

   I'm not the best chess player who ever lived, but some people don't even know how to move a pawn. It's pretty straightforward.

   Nothing brings neighbors together quite like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.

   While Dems are trying to figure out which bathroom to use Musk just rescued people in outer space.

   Joe exotic was going to do a Christmas song, But he hates carols

   The Trisha Yearwood hit song , She's in love with the boy has been renamed He, she , it , they is in love with the He, she , it , they.

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   Sometimes I call the number listed on missing dog posters and just bark