Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite part of looking back on childhood is trying to deduce which adults in charge were just barely keeping their shi*t together.

   Just might make a career change....I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes

   Word of the Day: Philantropath (noun). A psychopath masquerading as a philanthropist. (See: Bill Gates).

   I tried bringing sexy back today at Walmart but the lady assured me I didn't get it there.

   My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.

   I'm at that age where I know where babies come from, but still need someone to explain that song "My Milkshakes" to me.

   John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

   Technology will cause our ultimate demise. After mankind destroys itself, the dawn of a new civilization will consist of its early inhabitants creating music by banging bones on logs and blowing their breath through hollow reeds.

   If you notice, 2021 backwards is 1202. If you take away the 1 and the 0, you'll have 22. It doesn't mean anything but thanks for reading.

   due to unforeseen circumstances I just quit my job as a psychic

   maybe because running a country is NOT like running a business !

   A man dining in a restaurant asked his server "Do you have frog legs?" The server replied "Yes". The man said, "Then hop into the kitchen and bring me my dinner!"

   "The sum of the carrots are inversely proportional to the squared exponent of the cabbage divided by the vinegar and multiplied by the mayonnaise." ~Cole's Law

   Can’t party the way I used too. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m whipped.

   Daddy..what's a transvestitie? Go ask your mother he'll tell you

   What if Sam Kinison were still alive.. And someone tried to assault him onstage?

   I started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried Grapes. It's all about Raisin awareness.

   They use their skin color as an excuse. It's their lack of culture and animalistic behavior that actually defines them.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Olives and not Greece's Pieces?

   Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!