Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vaccinated or not, Please during these late summer days, wear deodorant. (and stay out of the left lane)

   I bought some potting soil on Sale. You might say it was "dirt cheap".

   If we're going to have a whole month dedicated to one of the Seven Deadly Sins, I would rather it be Gluttony.

   Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if he was stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

   Dear Brandon: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger..

   Help control the pet population, eat at a Chinese restaurant this weekend.

   The three stages of life: Wanting stuff... Accumulating stuff... Getting rid of stuff.

   As a woman, it's part of my default settings to be right. Always.

   What's the odds I ever meet a Victoria's Secrets Angel? OK, don't answer that.

   Welcome to the epoch of divisiveness.

   Does any lady just out there just wanna get married just to say we did it!?!??

   Hello I am new user and I would to ask you, How to disable a pm?

   You know you are getting old when you can remember Tom Sellick’s first rodeo

   You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".

   I just got a new smartphone with a app installed on it that tells you which of your friends spend to much time starring at their phones who are in need a social life that's called facebook.

   80% of corporate employees are suffering from AIDS ? Appraisal & Increment Deficiency Syndrome

   When Luke Skywalker yells "Get to the walker now!" it has a whole new meaning.