Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine if Ted Bundy was treated with such leniency at his trial....

   We are sinners, but we can strive to be good!!!!

   confidence is the way to a woman's hear, or atleast into her pants

   dancing on a table. IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, BABY!!!!

   not in a mood to update her status, So let it remain EMPTY.. :P :P

   as cool as a winter breeze over a cucumber garden.

   The two Garden of Eden rules: 1 Dont eat of the fruit of the tree of good and evil, 2 don't put that thing in her mouth!

   I'll be 127.0.0.1 for Christmas

   I saved a life today.... I asked a beggar, "How would you feel if I gave you 10,000 in cash?" He replied," I would die of happiness!" So I didn't give him any money I saved a life

   Did anyone figure out where they got the bright white sports car?

   This weekend I got so drunk, my shadow is now in a baby stroller drooling

   look, tom hanks with his whole family!!! #hanksalot

   When the check comes, men reach for their wallets, women reach for their calculator.

   If you piss your girl off, she'll tell you Goodnight at 2pm.

   cons also want 29 virgins, they're called cousins and step sisters

   Excuse me miss.... Can I test drive your vulva?

   I wake up and people are asking me if I'm dead? Just because I'm 27 does not mean I'm going anywhere. (STILL-MUCH-ALIVE)

   Everyone's always competing for the best weight loss plan, I got it right here: Turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat exercise when offered something to eat. #legit

   hey baby I wanna wreck you so bad you'll look like an exploded hotpocket

   After a night out home with girls, they brought me home with their car. As I entered my crib, I shouted"Thanks for the RIDE girls...and bringing me home.