Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boy: Hey babe wanna come over later and watch me play COD? Girl: Nah I have this thing.. Boy: What thing? Girl: A life. Boy:.....

   The hardest part of driving to me is putting on my seatbelt. I just cant seem to find the time to take 3 seconds out of a 20 minute drive to buckle up. Its sad really

   "Baby On Board" sign help us look for a baby in case of an crash and the parents are unconscious.

   Damn. Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

   Now IKEA is closing its plant and moving to Europe. So much winning....

   in the jungle baby! and gunna dieee!

   If this soo called God dwells inside of us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   I don't really like animals. When I watch Whale Wars I root for the Japanese.

   Q:Why do you want to be a flight attendant? A:So I can be high all day.  

   I don't care about 11/11/11, the day I cant wait for is 6/9/69

   Obama should use enhanced interrogation techniques on Newt to find out where the secret "bring the price of gas down to $2.50/gallon" lever is.

   What did the firefighter at Paul Walker's crime scene say first " Well Ladies & Gentlemen, Mr. Walker is still one of the hottest guys in Hollywood "

   "Eyes" and you don't have to use a giraffe picture!

   Texts that piss me off: 1. Yeah 2. Oh 3. Yup 4. Lol 5. Haha 6. K 7. Nope 8. Chillin 9. Naw

   It's a dog eat dog world. And I'm wearing Milkbone underwear...

   People who live in Orlando that go to Disney World are more ret@rded than New Yorkers who visit the Statue Of Liberty.

   Half way to my mom's place for Mother's Day,,, only have about 3 more feet of digging.

   wondering when Hallmark will make a greeting card for the Single men for there Holiday you Know PALM SUNDAY !!

   Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.