Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the more successful you are the more they will envy you, so screw it, be the best of the best it's not like anyone can do anything about it

   Whenever Uncle Eyjafjallajokull would say, "Kids! Pull my finger!" We were smart enough to ignore him. Is there a lesson here Iceland?

   theres more characters on facebook than the chinese language.

   Watching "bang for your buck" on hgtv not what I thought it was!

   If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated

   google 'waynesworld'... its gonna be bigger than crapbook

   Has been watching your whole life ................. so don't even think about it !

   I wondered why everytime I would visit my grandma at the retirement home they were having a Hawaiian luau until I learned that flowery clothing was the fashion trend of old people.

   If you include your kid's high GPA score in your Christmas letter grandma will be proud but everyone else hates you.

   The word "Scone" perfectly describes what it is.

   Last Sunday's sermon came from Manchester 6vs1..'and Fergie wept.'..

   Look, if I thought my feelings needed to be spared I would've just went to a prostitute and saved myself the effort!

   Art of management- "Let that person to be himself for few minutes and for the next few hours he will react only as you act" :P

   Good resolutions are like beautiful girls: they are easy to make but hard to keep

   The loser contestants who come back to sing on finale shows suddenly look like escaped mental patients.

   Powered off the smart phone felt like I was having a heart attack...

   I insisted that my girl accompany me on a fishing trip. That opened up a new can of worms.

   We can only hope that things turn around before there's time to learn any lessons.

   just got a call from rick ross, said he's jealous of my beard (y)

   How many times was Jonny on the spot before he had the phrase "Jonny on the spot" named after him?