Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to find Osama is like trying to find Waldo....I give up.

   A traveling medical marijuana clinic was forced to shut down. The driver kept stopping at every McDonalds.

   taking a leak of faith..after this 2 and a half hr movie - Inception..

   Dang Kobe, first Artest and now Matt Barnes!? Talk about keeping ur friends close and ur enemies closer! Lol

   Just spent several minutes looking at photos of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini. Now I'm going to cure cancer...

   What's this bullsh*t that Pandora is telling me that I've gone over my free music listening privileges for the month and now I have to pay a fee to listen some more?!?! This is America! And in America, Pandora should be free no matter how much you use it!

   survey: Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   thinking it must be Thursday, Larry King is getting divorsed

   May 4th is Star Wars Day. I hear to celebrate you have to go back to your parent's basement, spend all night alone in a costume, then retreat under the covers with a wookie photo, two cinnabuns, and a flashlight.

   I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

   'Me and my shadow' my @ss...whenever I get caught, that b!tch runs!

   why can't we just get a big pair of pliers and crimp that oil leak shut??

   there an "Kentuky chicken bucket challenge" for funds against morbid obesity? If so, I'm in!!!!

   ..... The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

   US Surpreme Court Justice Scalia is dead, I certainly hope Obama nominates a Kardashian to the Supreme Court.

   ... Woke up this morning and found a lump on my breast ..... was relieved to find out it's not cancerious .... Just my boyfriend refusing to let go!

   If I owned a gun I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and shoot myself, and that's why I don't have a gun.

   You should be with your best friend. If you can't send them hilarious pictures of your poop, it's just not going to work out.

   When the power goes out in WV...2% of the time a transformer has blown....18% of the time a tree has fell on the line...80% of the time someone wrecked into a Utility Pole.

   You know those people that put a basket on their bike for their dog to ride along? Same but for tequila bottles