Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Mother's Day I'm getting my mom a camera that will allow her to take less than 45 minutes to take a picture. If they make one...

   the secret to my success was knowing who to blame for my failures...

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   I just executed a North Korean Squirrel.

   I had a passionate sexy romp under the covers this morning!..though I'm not too sure Wimbledon security were too thrilled about it?

   it bad that I want to mix cream liquor with my shakeology?

   I signed up for ancestry.com. I wouldn't be surprised if me results come back as 100% Budweiser.

   Ray = Zubin Dalal

   "Ask her out, Bro." "I can't." "Why not?" "I don't have the guts." -conversation between two skeltons.

   in order for ted cruz to clear his name for liking porn on twitter he should have to eat cake in front of everyone like that kid in matilda

   just found out that Major Lazer is a group not an individual. for how long were you guys planning on keeping this a secret? how long?

   Lest we not forget that Nicola Cage won an Academy award for best actor in a leading role for his role in the film Leaving Las Vegas in 1995.

   Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?

   OMG Pikachu!!! My life is now complete.

   Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."

   I wore a bow tie today and got pinched by three guys on my way to work. I guess what they say about bow ties are true.

   Someone said that I am easily insulted, I can't believe that ***** said that !

   All I want is someone to hug me with the same loving ferocity that Danny Trejo hugged Carmen and Juni with in Spy Kids

   Damn, I was gonna get you a birthday gift but the stores were still open.