Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a softball team and it's not called "All About that Base," well, what's the matter with you?

   Shouldn't women have a girlnecologist?

   Best Movie Line Ever: "Step forward, Tin Man! You dare come before me, you clanking, clattering, cantankerous collection of collagenous crap?!!"

   One thing my buddies and I all know is to never open your phone when your wife is around!

   After a lot of thought and research, last night I finally made a decision on my New Years Resolution.....going with 1080p

   I like using my speakerphone but hate how it literally spells everything I say exclamation point period

   Forgot we have to turn our clocks ahead today and was really confused how I spent an hour making my coffee this morning.

   I think I had coronavirus back in November. Same symptoms and they couldnt catalog it.

   Who would have thought.. the unemployed have become subject matter experts on staying home

   I'm much more conscious of my square usage these days.

   2000: I don’t want no scrubs 2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

   Think I need to take a break from Facebook as although it's been great being able to keep in contact with you all and I'll miss you I have to go inside to let my phone charge for about an hour.

   Seems like the pajama market on eBay is starting to get price gouged.

   I really hate when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean?

   ESPN is going to fast track its documentary glorifying Michael Jordan. I'll bet that'll be really good!

   I need this find a stay-at-home job. Hey Facebook you hiring?

   You know, with my cats seeming enjoyment for cleaning themselves I’m not sure why they don’t have a cat food called Kibbles & Butts

   The salons have been closed for so long nobody is posting selfies anymore. They're all posting avatars.

   The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio. Surprising, because we live in

   The proverbial saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day' suggests that a complex task or great achievement that shouldn't be rushed and is a great excuse for procrastinating.