Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   busy trying to back up his hard drive but is having a difficult time figuring how to shift it in reverse.

   "No I'm not a Jonas, brother I'm a grown up. No I'm not a virgin I use my cahonas." Jay-Z

   so why is that every holiday we stuff ourselves full of ham or turkey or whatever? like we really need an occasion to indulge our inner fat kid??

   Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.... I could really use a wish right Now. B.O.B

   I wish I had a kryptonite cross, that way I could defeat superman and dracula at the same time

   I've downloaded the Darth Vader voice and labeled my final street destination "Your M0m" Just to hear: now turning on y0ur m0m

   Then you aint to proud to clean up some oil are you? o btw I hope you choke on a crumpet

   woke up my wife this morning. She started feeling my face with her eyes closed. I asked her what she's doing and she said "Looking for the off button."

   Tried to log into my WellsFargo.com account with my MILF-Hunter.com password. Oh, whatever, like you never did that!

   I'm totally over LOST. I don't even care anymore. I don't miss it at all. Do you want to drive by LOST's house and see if it's home?

   I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

   I wish more people would put their highways up for adoption. So many people want one and are unable to have their own.

   time to stop draggin my tush (not literally like dogs do)...gotta get a move on

   I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it

   OK true story, a very good friend of mine has a patient that comes see her and his name is Mr. Nicewonger, I mean come on dude even Mclovin was more orginal than that.

   The statue of liberty turned 140 today. When asked how she feels, miss liberty replied "I'm fine!"

   There are soo many Rainbows on Facebook I can taste it- Skittles...

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   ok i'm done with the ice bucket Challenge .... WHATS next ?

   Actually, Yes! I do want to see a picture of your Mother-In-Law Eli. Your wife is hot!