Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every morning after my coffee I use the skills I learned while taking Lamaze classes: Breathing techniques, and timing the contractions.  

   Huh, it turns out those WERE droids we were looking for! Son of a b@&*h!

   Now that Pacquiao's won another fight, everyone wants to see him go up against Floyd Mayweather. But we all know there's no 'money' cuz we're in a recession.

   Jimmy Kimmel has declared today "National UnFriend Day." Don't forget to UnFriend some non-friends today. Then tell your real friends how much you appreciate them!

   Just had a train run over his feet, probably his own fault for wearing platforms.

   just realized after a session of je...ummm...I mean after cleaning and then wiping the sweat off while catching my breath, that one forearm is quite bigger than the other one. I wonder if that is hereditary.

   Wondering “if a milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” then “what brings all the girls to the yard?”…well whatever it is I'll have a glass of that!!!

   can't wait til Chad Johnson gets kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens so I don't have to read peoples' status updates about him...

   Seriously facebook? I can write on the wall but not colour it in? WHAT IS THIS???

   why am I so popular that all the facebook viruses come to me?????

   it's illegal to sleep in the nude in Minnesota. Like Really? What are the officer's gonna say if I answer the door clothed. "We had some Complaints..."

   GIRLS; Some of them want to use you.., some of them want to get used by you...

   guess there isn't anything to this Global warming, Gores now agree

   trying to figure out where deleted data off your mobile phone goes...?

   honestly......who bends over to pick a nickel up off the ground anymore.....

   writing his name on a steemed mirror,,,,,,

   Life is like an iPhone, it's only as fun as the apps you have downloaded!!!!

   wondering how Chad Ochocinco is celebrating his Cinco de May?

   After undergoing a sex change operation, a judge in Santa Monica granted Chaz Bono's petition to be recognized legally as a man. He celebrated by leaving the toilet seat up.

   whoever said "never regret" obviously never had taco bell