Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts"-Shark Week lesson of the day

   Just in one of those “Curl up and watch 25 episodes of ‘Small Wonder’ ” kinda moods.

   You don't come for me. I send for you.

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   As uncomfortable as silence immediately after sex.

   Whoever blew bubbles as a kid , he is back in town looking for you!

   Let's all be fair, I hope all Americans get to see Sarah Palin's High School diploma.

   A committee is NOT established to determine what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer dollars are saved.

   I had a dream last night that I was taking selfies with Hillary Clinton... and then I started shooting an AK47 in my kitchen at absolutely nothing. Never eat burritos before bed.

   Leonardo.....Fk yaaaa....atlast.......congratzz

   Oscars so white, no fried chicken on the menu.

   Kim Kardashian twieeted a nude selfie yesterday. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera.

   My coworker likes Trump because "he always speaks his mind." Wonder how much my coworker would like me if I always spoke my mind.

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric , but I am white....

   I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, I call them my friends. . .

   Women claim they want honest men but dare you not blame the obesity on the dress.

   Any one just watched the Boss metaphor the Prez just use? You cant ask your Boss for a raise, and when he doesnt give it to you....you shut down the PLant!...I tried that and got arrested right there at Mcdonalds!

   Wait! So you're saying there are women out there that like having the sex?

   Whitey Bulger is living proof that the American Dream is still alive!!

   No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one