Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To reduce the chance of being audited during tax season, I always send my return tucked into a freshly baked loaf of banana bread.

   6 year old hosting a Lego funeral, "We must accept what comes to us. Gogo's death is one of the obstacles in life."

   Happy Stoners Eve

   I got a membership to Sam's Club and my name isn't even Sam... *lol,, These guys are idiots.

   I hope my cat doesn't want to go as something slutty again for Halloween this year.

   I got an idea for my new company I wana start a company that makes condoms and caskets the slogan would be We always got you covered weather ur cummin or goin

   About time to head out to the back yard and start insulting my lawn so that it gets depressed enough to start cutting itself before June.

   I think Pokerstars and Adobe are in a race to see which one can have more software updates per year.

   My daily goal is to change the world one status at a time. (Sigh) this is how single I am.

   Why do people insist on riding your front bumper going to work? Yeah, like they are going to get to where they're going any faster....

   I wonder what the application process is like to get on the Instagram Council?

   To address the rumors, yes I am in love, yes it's with Tacos, and no you can't judge me.

   I hope my death somehow involves a shrimp fork.

   Let's get naked and stay that way for a day. Or three.

   Planning a wedding with your fiancé is good practice for divorce.

   “I can't wait to drunk text this girl who doesn't give a sh*t about me.” - ALCOHOL

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   How I hate people who initiate a conversation and don’t continue with it.

   I always say "you do the math" because I can't do the math.

   I beat 2048 today. Just goes to show that a little procrastination can still get you where you need to be.