Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Sincerely, banana

   oh, so I'm invisible to you now? sweet! I always wanted a super power:D

   Big Pool Party Going On Saturday Night,Through Sunday.Hosted By Hurricane Irene..Music By:Raindrops,Thunder,Wind&Guest Apperence By Lightning.This Gonna Get Crazy Get Your Life Jackets.

   All of my old friends pretend to be content upon a shelf. They've all got little lives and little wives and little lies but little else.

   You know what my problem is?! People telling me what my problem is.

   wonders how many of my knuckle children had the potential to be a doctor, president, or one day cure cancer.

   If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.

   If I agree with you we'd both be wrong

   If the tables were turned and men could give birth it would be nice to hear Maury say "YOU ARE NOT THE MOTHER"!!!!!!

   I wished my neighbor hated weeds as much as I do....

   I have never bothered to check if Google actually has results on the second page.

   Nothing screams "I have a small peni$!" like screaming "I have a small peni$!"

   I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

   Dad, thanks for forgetting to use a condom and creating the greatest person ever!

   Did Michael Jackson die again??

   Why do we use our blankets as shields at night? Like is the monster gonna be like ” oh crap…..they have a blanket..RRRUUUUNNN!!!!”

   To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney

   a cop just knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing people on bike, My dog doesnt own a bike

   Money spent on shoes cannot buy booze.

   Ok, I wasnt paying Attention this Morning, Did the Darn Easter Bunny See his shadow and do we have 6 more weeks of Winter???