Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't wanna say my ex thinks her sh*t doesn't stink, but she sent a couple of her turds to Febreze suggesting they make an air freshener out of them.

   *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during doggy style*

   I'm a bird watcher. But when I go bird watching it seem to makes the men unconfortable in the men room

   Xbox has been my girlfriend for awhile, I think it's time we see other people...

   Could schizophrenia be just a permanent high burnt in the brain from smoking too much? So permanent high?

   My new girlfriend takes my breath away...she's insatiable and inflatable....then, sadly, I poked her.

   Behind every great woman is a great behind.

   So apparently your girlfriend isn't supposed to have an Adams apple. Guess that's why she only wanted an@l.

   Oh, how I love being awake at stupid o'clock

   Underestimate my crazy to activate my crazy.

   There is a thick line between ok sex and awesome sex.

   Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive.

   "No, honey, I don't talk about you on Facebook." *enables passcode lock on phone*

   Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.

   If you are offended by the opinions I express then you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.

   If I bite the bottom of my lip, it's not because I want you. It's because I have a piece of skin hanging off it that I'm trying to get off.

   My girlfriend's bra is even harder to take off when she's yelling at me and I'm wearing it.

   I forgot to put on my bike shorts before riding today. That really chaps my a$$!!

   Somewhere out there a woman just called the football a “weird ball thingy” as a man sits nearby contemplating the consequences of murder.

   Hey girls, quit leaving random bullsh*t at his house, like an old toothbrush or one sock. Leave your kids. HE'LL CALL. He'll call all day.